I've neglected this blog....I've been so busy at work and with the kids, and just being plain exhausted that it has been always on my to do list but never getting done....

I think the same has happened with Chris. He's been snippy to me, but not in a mean way, almost hurt that I am not taking the time to just show that I care about him in simple ways.

So back to basics. Not working at night, but watching a movie together...and not a chick flick but one that he would like (btw, do NOT watch Buried with Ryan Reynolds...awesome movie AWFUL ENDING, you've been warned). We went out for Valentine's Day, just the two of us to a restaurant I knew he'd love.

I'm commiting to read and actually DO The Love Dare book. The devil has really been wearing on me, bringing up constant reminders of how bad things were. I've been getting nasty immature text messages from a blocked number...all these little things chip away at what we have, and it's been so good lately.

Commitment vs. Restentment. It's not just the guys who have to do special things for no reason. We do too ladies.

Merry Christmas!

I Miss You

I posted a song....
It's dedicated to My Grandpa.

Grandpa:
I miss you so much, and this close to Christmas it becomes a physical pain in my stomach. I so wish that you were here to hug me, and a present from the Home Shopping Channel.
I know you would have bought Parker a snowboard and loved standing at the bottom of the hill waiting for him like you did with me.
I know that you would be so frusterated with Spencer...you two would butt heads so much.
But more than anything....I know Mikayla would be your special princess and that you two would be attached at the hip...or should I say fridge.
I am sorry I didn't say I love you as much as I should have.
I'm sorry I didn't let you gift Parker chicken wings and iced cappacino.
I'm sorry that my prayers didn't get you healed.
But I know that you are singing carols with the angels and tending to your perfect garden in front of your gorgeous mansion which is no doubt filled with day lillies.
I miss you and I have to think that you miss us to.

Christmas In Heaven

Oh Holy Night...

As we get closer and closer to Christmas, I find myself breaking into tears at the most random times and places. The simplest song, look, phrase or gift can make me babble like a baby. Part of it is because I am so in love. Part of it is because I am so grateful for the restoration I've experienced. Part of it is because I mourn the years we lost.

Last night, I was at our worship pastor's house practicing for the Christmas Eve Candle Light service. One of the people there had been really pressuring me to get Chris to do sound on that night, but I stood my ground. We were going to sit together as a family. And I was kind of sad that this person didn't get the magnitude of that gesture....two months ago this Christmas was going to have a very different outcome.

Then we started practicing. We're singing Oh Holy Night. And again, at the most random moment in a completely inappropriate setting, to a christmas carol that so many of us sing mindlessly....I was trying so hard to fight the tears that were welling up....I think a few may have fallen. Read these words....really look at them. And think about Chris and I, or whatever situation you may be in yourself. Maybe you will be fighting a few tears of your own.

Long lay the world in sin and error pinning.
Till He appeared and the soul felt His worth.
A thrill of hope, the weary world rejoices.
For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn.
Fall on your knees...

Time is going to fast.

It seems like every day flies by faster than the last.
My kids are growing up quicker than I'd like.
Spencer turned 3 on the 10th. He has come so far in such a short time.
His vocab is catching up, he is becoming such an intelligent interesting young boy.

We're finally healthy, so back to normal, except Christmas is literally around the corner and I haven't purchased one gift yet. EEEEK! Santa better get to work.

It still seems like yesterday that Chris and I were trying to find every way imaginable to hurt each other, piss each other off, 'one up' the other. Now, we're just so natural. Only by the grace of God.

Still, there are times when I find us slipping into our old routine. The 'changes' that both of us had "made" seem to have been not as permanent as we would have wanted. For example, Chris came home from work yesterday very tired, and believe me I understand that feeling, but the kids didn't want to play with me anymore, they just wanted daddy time...and he pushes them off. I HATE that.....they don't understand that you were working all day, they just know you weren't here and now you are and it's time to play. Then on my side, Chris mentions Tilbury (where Julie lives) and I completely clam up and go to that not so nice place where all the bad memories and feelings flood in, from one stupid word.

Then there are times like dinner last night. I made our household favourite, and we all sat down for dinner, we hadn't actually done that since Chris has come home because of schedules or picky eaters or whatever....it was so nice to just sit as a family - together - united - complete.

Now if we can just make every moment like family dinner......life would be perfect. But who wants/needs perfect? Its the messiness that makes like interesting. Right?

God is good.

our journey has taken a back seat to the illness that keeps circulating our household.
even still, i see the little changes in both of us.
not taking my anger of being sick out on him.
bringing me chicken soup without rolling his eyes.
love you.