i went into the kitchen, something was different.
then i felt steam hit my arm.
the dishwasher was on.
either my kids have suddenly learned how to unload, reload and turn on the machine, or chris did it....
its not the grand gestures, the trips, jewles or flowers....its in the little things like these that we are reminded how much someone loves us.
and i love him too.

I hate that you mumble answers to me instead of just turning away from the t.v. and answering me.
I hate that you don't tell me "I want you to stay" or "come sit with me".
I hate that you don't take the initiative for anything...even changing diapers.
And I hate that I feel like if I tell you these things, you'll realize you made a mistake and go back to her.

Falling into a rut...

Parker was sick all night last night.
Fever and pewking...so we were up all night.
Chris took the day off to stay home with parker (which I find out at lunch time was not a big sacrifice....thanksgiving football). I worked all day, brought home dinner, and am about to put the kids to bed.
Then I have to go to work again tonight, this year end planning and trying to hit my sales target is killing me.
My body aches, I feel like crap, and the kids are running around crazy.
I'm sitting on the couch online shopping (browsing is more like it) and Chris is spaced out on the couch watching tv. And I can't help but feel terrified. This is the rut we can so easily fall in, that the devil is waiting and watching for us to fall into. And it's just the daily routine of getting through each day and waking up to the next one. This is the danger we face......where the communication breaks down.

Lord, give me strength to push through the fatigue and routine and spend QUALITY time with Chris, and remind me Lord to remind him that I love him.

Forgiveness brings such healing

Come home, tired and sick, sick and tired.
Check facebook...one new message. Oh goodness, here comes drama.
Surprisingly not.

I'm not going to post her response, because it was very personal, and I wouldn't want my blog posts on her facebook....long and short of it though was an apology which I felt I was owed, human as that feeling is, and also forgiveness, which I desired even though it meant admitting I did wrong to her.

Finally I let go and let God...and was able to accept her apology, forgiveness and feel her pain. This poor girl, she is heartbroken and trying to be a strong woman, and I feel so bad for her.

Lord, I pray that you will make your comforting presence known to Julie tonight. Cover her, wherever she is, with you peace and grace. If it is your will, I pray that she will find what she is looking for in a mate soon, so that she may feel the joy and love that I feel now with Chris. Lord, again, forgive me for my hateful thoughts and actions towards her. Protect her soul, heart and spirit from another situation like this. Surround her with people who can support and guide her. If I am one of those people, please open the door for that to happen. And again and again I say, THANK YOU.

Mountains...

A friend told me yesterday, 'don't tell God how big your mountains are....tell the mountains how big your God is'. It's so true, but why do we always do it the wrong way 'round??

I'm sitting at work, with a pile of things to do in front of me....
All I can think about is getting home....
And it's not because I miss my kids, actually on school days I like working late because they're all ridiculously tired and cranky.
I miss Chris. I never thought I'd miss him like this again...
I wonder if he misses me...
Hmmm.....
:)

Humble Pie tates gross.

Our first counseling session went well...surprisingly well...

That was actually one of the topics of discussion. Can it really be this easy? When is the other shoe going to drop? Yes, it can be this easy - only through the grace of God.

Our biggest discussion is around my newest obsession - Julie. What they did, where they went, what he said, what she said, is she thinking about him, is he thinking about her, does she miss him, does he miss her.....you get the idea. I haven't known how to put it into words, but there is a battle going on between my heart and my mind, and it is making it hard to function.

The wife (head/flesh) part of me wants to punch her, and not figuratively, LITERALLY. Actually take my fist and hit her - HARD. I want to approach her, yell at her - get revenge. But then the woman part of me, more specifically, the woman of God in me (heart) aches for her, wants to call her and hug her and see if she is as ok as she is pretending to be.

It was nice to hear that I'm not the first person who has gone through this head/heart battle CRAP. (i'm liking caps lock today, don't know why, just do).

Take a look at Romans 7:18-25 - Paul is speaking about two laws, the law of God and the law of sin and the battle that is happening. Finally he cries out "oh wretched man that I am". I said that last night (not in the old english of course). But I heard myself asking chris a stupid question and my head was screaming 'shut up!!!'.

How am I ever going to win this battle. Well, it's simple IIIIIIIIIIIIII can't. But with HIM I can. Then comes the discussion I NEVER wanted to have. I need to forgive Julie. Why is that so hard? Because in order to forgive her I need to acknowledge that she is a victim in this situation, just like I am and just like Chris is. I don't know why, but that is so hard for me to do.
I can't do it in person. She would need ice for her face, I am still human and I know the flesh would win. But I did send her an email, short and sweet and to the point, but an outreatch all the same....

----------
Julie,

I need to apologize to you for my quick reaction to last night (meaning the facebook friend request) and for the mean looks, and the hurtful things I've thought and said about you.

I am sorry, and I hope you can forgive me.

And I need you to know....I forgive you.

Jessica
------------------------

I don't know what that will do if anything, but I sent it...and I meant it. Again, only by the grace of God. He has done such an amazing work in my life in the past week. A WEEK????!!!! It was literally one week ago that I sat here, praying for my husband's soul and becoming "ok" with the fact that he was wanting a divorce. Now, we are happy. Truly happy. Lots to work on, LOTS, but we're happy.

I can remember the happy times, the cuddling on the couch and holding hands, or kissing in the kitchen while making dinner. Mikayla can't, I know that because yesterday, I was sitting on Chris's lap on the couch, and she came over and said 'what are you doing...'. Wow. And not in a wierd, what the heck is going on way, but with an innocence, like 'i knew there was something better, now I see what it is' way.

There is such a peace around my house right now. This morning Parker came into my bed...oops, our bed...and cuddle into me. Chris was still sleeping. He looked at me, and said, "mommy, its all back to normal, Jesus fixed everything". Ya, he did baby.

I love Christmas time...

To the tune "here we come a-carolling"....

today we go to counselling
my kleenex i will bring

Taking the morning off to snuggle/sleep while the kids are off at school, then going to our first counselling session. I have a feeling the 'honeymoon' feeling is about to be torn off like an old bandaid.

And of course, the devil is sitting at our door. I got a few facebook messages to check out julie's blog and it's this big long story with little comments about chris thrown in all over there....she is so in love (or infactuated) with him....I can't help but wonder, did he feel the same way and he's just scared to tell me?

I'm sure we'll find out today.........


Lord, again, please keep my countenance respectful and calm during this counselling session. Be my strength when the accusations come at me....and help me not to get defensive or shut down, when Chris is simply telling me how he feels (what I'm asking him to do). And as always, God your will be done.

i'm happy....

Chris had the afternoon off, so I took mine off (which was hard to do, I have a stack of work to file and submit). We didn't do anything special....just went out for dinner and then to Staples to pick up some stuff. Saw a friend there, she mentioned how happy we looked. And I was happy, I am happy. And as soon as I let myself feel that, the devil creeps in on my doubts and says 'but is it to good to be true'.

I feel like I'm obsessed with Julie. What they did, what they said, where they went.

Her van was there.....I wanted to go in so bad.

I get home, bath the kids and pop in a DVD, a little unwind time before bed (and heading back to work). Following routine, I go to check my facebook (sidebar: does anyone actually talk to anyone anymore, or are we all on the message/text/blog train???).....ANYWAYS....i go to check my facebook and I have a request to add a friend.

You will never guess who.

Go ahead....guess.

Julie Toews.

In what world would I want to be facebook friends with my husband's ex-girlfriend???? Am I the only one who thinks that's ridiculous. What does she think?? He's back with me, so we're cool? All may be forgiven, but not forgotten....it's just wierd.
On the other hand, if I don't add her, do I look like a vindictive b*tch??
Any guidance on this crazy twist would be appreciated.

Why can't I just let this go?? Why can't it just leave me alone?? She is everywhere.

Lord, please put my mind at ease when it comes to this girl. Help me to trust my husband when my first instinct is to pick apart everything he says about her as if there is something more. Lord, protect my heart as I fall in love with him all over again.

Routine

So, we're starting our first week together.
I'm sick. The kids are getting sick...again!!!
I am so ridiculously busy at work my head hurts just thinking about it.
We (the kids and I) have settled into a very familiar and comforting routine. I watch Chris, and he can't seem to find his place within our rythm of daily life. I feel so bad for him, but how do I handle that. The kids know exactly what we're doing and when....is it just going to happen in time?

Lord, give me the peace within our stressful daily life to know how to bring Chris into this. Lord, keep my countenance soft and pure, and continue to be the wife my husband needs/wants me to be. And thank you for the wonderful work you've already done in our lives.

Conflict

Is it possible to be so hurt by someone in one moment, and so in love with them the next?
I wonder if eventually all we'll feel is love and the resentment will fade away, or at least take a back seat.

And just putting it out there in the universe, I've gotten used to a clean house...put your shoes in the closet, and pick up the toys in your path ;)

My head hurts.

I kept joking with chris during service that the back of my head was really hurting....because our pew was taken and we were almost directly in front of julie and her friends.....the glares were felt, and seen, and ticked me right off.

I was praying through the entire service, I don't actually remember hearing anything the pastors said. There was so much anger and hurt swirling around my head, it was hard to hear. We'd been in service for quite a while, the kids had already been dismissed and there was this gap in between chris and I. I didn't know why, because things were so natural at home.....in comes the doubt and worry...did he not want to sit near me because she was watching? Was it because he didn't want to hurt her? So me, being me, sat as close as I could held his hand and asked him to put his arm around me. It wasn't to be rude or vindictive, but granted, I was marking my territory...all of a sudden the back of my head hurt even more.

As we were leaving the sanctuary, Julie's dad approached us, I could feel the tension in Chris's hand. What the heck was about to happen. Of course we were standing beside Julie....he shook hands with Chris (whom he wanted to kill only a few days before) and said "you made the right choice, we're proud of you and praying for you.".....WOW. Only through God's grace.

All of this is compounded by the fact that I am feeling very sick and drained and have a huge work week coming up. The kids are going to bed early tonight, and we're having a date.....if I don't fall asleep. But even if I do, it will be in his arms, awkward as that still is at times, it is still the most comforting place I know.

Lord, continue to work on me and my husband and close the gap.

I look at you, lying in bed beside me, knowing your kids are down the hall sleeping soundly...
I should be happy for you, for me, for all of us.
But sometimes, like tonite, even if for only a moment, I feel hate towards you.
It seems like once again, you've gotten off scott free, without one consequence.
No hurt.
No pain.
No sadness.
I know it is not my place to punish. And I am not supposed to judge.
I know that the past is in the past.
But sometimes, like tonite, even if for only a moment, I feel hate towards you.

Trust

I'm spending some time home with my family - me and the kids.
It's been great, there have been alot of tears, hugs, and apologies. Very overdue and very comforting.

But Chris is at home, on his own....

Can trust ever be rebuilt? Can it ever fully be restored? Will I ever stop wondering if they're texting, if she's visiting him at work, if he's thinking about her?

I don't know the answer to that, all I know is I've had to force myself all day to remind myself that no, I don't trust Chris but I do trust God.
Chris has let me down and hurt me, God has not. So my trust is in Him.
Is that easy? Heck no!!!! But it's all I can do. It's all He's asked me to do.

I had a very interesting conversation with my 5 year old son on the way to my parents home yesterday. He said, Mommy I want to be called birdie instead of Monkey (my nickname for the kids). I thought, that's odd - why sweetie?? Well, because it reminds me that I am like the sparrow and Jesus is always watching over me, so I don't need to worry.
WOW! He doesn't even know what "worry" means, but he knows there is no need to do it because his Saviour has everyting under control. No wonder Jesus wants us to come to Him as little children.

WHAT I CAN'T SAY...
It still hurts, like a knife. All the betrayal, lies and sins are being thrown into my face over and over again by the enemy.
I don't have it all together. I know I come off as very confident and sure of myself, but it is all a front. I am one of the most insecure and emotionally sensitive people you will ever meet, I have no self-confidence. And all my insecurities are just compounded now. I feel like I'll never be good enough, like you'll always want someone else - want her.

Lord, give me the confidence I lack, continue to soften my heart and heal my wounds. I praise you for bringing my husband home, but need your help to deal with the fact that he is home. Continue to have your hand on this situation, and send you Holy Spirit on us again for comfort joy and peace.

Forgive me...

Lord, forgive me for the thoughts I've had in the past two hours. Forgive me for the hardness I had in my heart and countenance this morning towards Chris who only did what I asked him to. Forgive me for not forgiving him whole heartedly.



WHAT I WILL HAVE TO SAY...

Chris, I'm sorry for being calous this morning, past is past.

I'm sorry for hating you for doing what I asked you to.

I love you.

Something More.

Her blog this morning was brought to my attention by him because she text and asked him to read it. LONG story short.....this was something so much more than a simple fling for her. That makes me wonder if it meant or means something more to him than he's telling me. Will I ever know the answer to that? I don't know, and I don't know if I want to.

Here's the part of her incredibly long blog that hurts...

You were more than someone I cared deeply about.
You were my best friend.
Thats the part I think I'll miss the most.
Thats the part that hurts the most.
Im sad that we can't be friends.
Sad that you won't know whats going on my life
Sad that I won't know whats going on in yours

Here is the part that makes me furious.

I don't regret anything.

The emotional high that I've been on the past two days, the feelings that have outweighed the hurt and anger is gone now. My body feels numb, and I am terrified because I really do think that this infidelity changes everything.

Its a good thing that I am going to my parents tonight, so I can take a few days away from Chris to process....to cry......to hurt.......to pray.

It's over.

He called her, he was strong, he said everything she needed him to say, nothing I wanted to hear. But it's done and she was surprisingly mature.
I can't help but wonder.....can it be that easy? OR is more drama to come?

It hurts that as he hurt her, there was hurt in his eyes.

WHY DO I DO THIS??

I have to know everything, my mind just wanders and makes up things and I just have to know everything. Every text you sent, every pic you liked, every message you got...every time you touched.

Chris gave me his password to facebook and hotmail. I wasn't going to look....but I did. God, why do I do this to myself????? Now it's real, now I see the messages and the 'i miss yous' and the 'you're so pretty'.....and most of them are deleted, so how much worse was it.

Now I know that Chris wasn't completely honest. He did really like her, it wasn't just something to do. I see the words he wrote. I see the messages of wondering where she is and why she won't return his calls, just hours before our meeting on Tuesday.

What's past is past....but he liked her. That doesn't just go away, does it? Can it? Did it?

God, protect my heart, and keep my fingers away from those accounts.

Drive By Mistake

I had to go to staples today to pick up something for work tomorrow.

CONFESSION:
I drove by Reitmans, I glared into the store, I had hate in my heart.

Did the devil make my printer run out of ink? Probably not. I won't ever admit he has that much control over our physical world. But did he place the validation of going to the strip mall that she works in while I know she is working there? Absolutely.

But I didn't go in. And I didn't drive by slowly....not too slowly.

I'm terrified about what will be said in their conversation tonite. I'm terrified that I will see hurt and sympathy in his eyes for her and my heart will break again.

Lord, please guide Chris with the words to say tonight, too ease the hurt but explain that without a doubt he has chosen his wife and will not be tempted. Lord, keep the hate out of my heart and eyes and let your Spirit be present in our living room during this dreaded phone call.

Bad feeling....

I don't know what is going on at Chris's or Julie's workplaces....
But I've got a bad feeling. Tonite is not going to be a peaceful mature conversation, that much I know.

Lord, prepare my heart now for the hurtful words both may say about me. Give me strength to sit there with my big mouth SHUT and support my husband in the way he'll need rather than blurt out what I really think about this trouble mis-guided girl.

Someone else has been on my heart lately (and judging from my posts, I'm having a hard time concentrating at work). Julie's parents. Good, gentle, God-fearing...prominent in our church, actually, Mr. Toews is a board member. What they must be going through.

Heavenly Father, I ask again for comfort and peace, but now for Mr. and Mrs. Toews. Give them the words to comfort Julie and the guidance she so needs. Be with them.

Though there is pain in the offering
STILL I will say, Lord...
Blessed be Your name.

My heart breaks....

I can't believe I am saying this or feeling this....my heart breaks for Julie.
She was led on by Chris, he admits that, and he feels horrible.
She text him this morning....

So I really have no idea what's going on. I guess you don't wan to talk to me for some reason. I'm not sur eif its something i did, or if its something pastor chris said to you. maybe even jessica. i do think i deserve an explaination, or something. If you need space, trust me i'll give it to you, but you can't just ignore me...its killing me :( i work 11-6 today, i could come over tonight and talk in person, or you could call me. i'll be more than understanding, i promise....i just need to know what's going on so i can try to sleep at night :(.....


At first we had been counselled that Pastor Couper would take care of talking to Julie. Heck knows I wanted to talk to her. But after seeing this text this morning, and hearing the sobs in her voicemail last night.....it is Chris who needs to talk to her. Hard as that may be for me to hear.
He needs to admit he led her on, and he needs to apologize to her and ask for forgiveness. And then he needs to tell her, his place is with his wife, he's moved home and what happened between them, never should have.

He is going to call her tonite when he gets home, he will let me listen to the conversation so no discrepancies can come up - that is where the devil does his best work and I won't allow it.

Even though my flesh hates her, my heart aches for her. I was in her shoes not 24 hours ago.

Lord, give Chris the words and tone to soothe Julie's breaking heart. God give me the peace to support him during this heartbreaking conversation, not only for her but for me. Lord bring someone into Julie's life so that she may feel the joy and hope that I feel today. Calm her spirit as she is working right now. Calm mine so I don't march over there. Send your Holy Spirit to surround her with peace and tranquility and most of all comfort. Thank you Jesus.

The talk.

The entire night is kind of a blur. Except for two specific points.
1. He does love me. He lied to hurt me. He has never stopped loving me. Praise God!
2. He was dating Julie. He repeatedly and for long period of time kissed her, touched her, wanted her. BLECH!

I text my friend Shanna, "I can't do this, he kissed her, he cheated, I can't do this, I won't do this". And even this morning after a long night of talking (why we did that instead of waiting until tonite is beyond me, because we're parents, and the kids were up super early this morning, I'm exhausted) I'm not sure that I can get over this.

I KNOW I can't get over this, not on my own. Not in my own human flesh. But with God I can. His love with guide me, heal my heart and restore my love and trust for my husband.

WHAT I CAN'T SAY...
You suck, why the heck would you kiss her.
You snore, I can't say I missed that.
You have morning breath, and I got used to the dogs, not a fan of yours.

WHAT I DID SAY...
You fit, when you hold me I know that we are fearfully and wonderfully made for each other.
I love you, I always have and always will.
You hurt me, why the heck would you kiss her.
I forgive you, not because I want to or feel like it, because you are my husband.

Just as we're getting somewhere in our conversation, his phone rings, and by the look on his face I know it's her. Of course, I want to answer is, say HA, Back off Biatch. But he says, 'no we're not communicating with her'. In comes the devil - he still wants her, loves her, wants to protect her from you. I just looked at him and glared. He said, 'I am protecting you, it will not be good for you to do anything, say anything. Let's focus on us and forget about stupid insecure girls who mean nothing.' WOW.

WHAT I CAN'T SAY...
Back off, he's mine and I am his and you need to stop calling and texting.
Get a life, and stop trying to tempt my husband and take my life.
Grow up, find a man who isn't married, who isn't mine, who isn't Chris.

I don't think this Julie thing is going to go away easily, she's going to put up a fight and a scene. As we were going to bed (I said, which couch and he said - no, our bed...I didn't want that but I was surprised impressed and happy that he marched upstairs behind me)....I asked to see his phone. I was going through the texts and there was a pic of her, with his comment 'this is my favourite'. My heart broke again. GET LOST DEVIL, let me have 10 minutes without some doubt anger or hurt. Old chris - ignore roll over and go to sleep. And that's just what he did. But then, just when I was about to start crying and building the anger up, he rolled over, held me and said, 'she doesn't matter'. He took the initiative and he made a difference.

Is everything back to normal - not by a long shot. Are there still alot of things we need to discuss and work through - absolutely. But here is the difference, here is why we're going to make it. Chris said, we're going to counselling, at first it may be 2, 3 times a week, but we can't fall back into routine and be back at this horrible spot in 6 months, 2 years, 20 years. I said, that's all I've been asking for this whole time. And he said, well, now you have it.

Lord, thank you for bringing my husband home. Calm my doubts and fears about this situation, keep our household calm and organized amidst the chaos. Protect all of our hearts as we work, throught his heartache and anger. Be near us Lord Jesus. Thank you Lord. THANK YOU.

I expected the phone call...I did NOT expect the conversation.

Pastor Couper was meeting with Chris in the afternoon.
At the end of our meeting Chris said, no I still want a divorce - REJECTED.
Pastor Couper pulled me aside after and said, do not feel rejected, stay in the word, stay in prayer and humility. He discerned that Chris was ready for a change. I did not believe him.
The enemy came at me right away - you know when he goes to his apartment, Julie's coming over. You know he's called her and told her how stupid the meeting was and what a fool you made of yourself. You know he hates you, he's never loved you.
So I drove to work, and made it through the day. Waiting for Pastor Couper's call, that wasn't coming as quickly as I wanted.
I picked up the big kids from the bus stop, and we went to Sobey's to get Mikayla's birthday cake. Then I head to pick up Spencer from daycare, he's in an awful mood so I know this is going to be a long night. As I'm walking from his side of the truck to mine, the phone rings.

"Hi, are you sitting down?". There it was, spelled out for me, he doesn't want you, he wants her. Oh well, that's what I had prepared my heart for, God will provide and we will be fine.

But maybe there's hope...I said, "Should I be?"

"Ya, I really think so". Yup, rejected. I can't speak, I just start crying in the parking lot.

"He's packing and on his way home.".

Tears stop. Heart rejoices?!? NOPE! I said, "HE'S WHAT?". The enemy was right there, ready to pounce. All my doubts and insecurities, and what are you going to say to your families...to your coworkers. What about him and Julie, is that over? And if he's coming back, is it because he loves me or because he's bored and lonely or because Pastor couper guilted him into this.

It was like Pastor Couper could hear all that going on in my head and he said, "I'm at your door, come home, we'll talk it through". We had a great conversation, but I was not sure I wanted him home. That wasn't what the plan was, he was going to reject us, I was going to be comforted and live a happy healthy loving life. He wasn't coming home. That means dealing with our sh*t, that means finding out the truth about Julie, that means being with him all the time.......that means going through the same hell we've been through for 6 of our 8 years together.

Then Pastor Couper said, "he's scared it's going to be the same hell it was before". Ok Holy Spirit, I hear ya. How perfect that tonite we were celebrating Mikayla's birthday, we already had the cake to celebrate Daddy's homecoming. I was getting excited.

Then he knocked on the door. Oh, hello doubts and insecurities, where have you been for the past hour. He came in, he looked at me. I went 'great, he's not even going to say anything, just going to walk in like nothing happened, just like before'. But he walks over to me and hugs me and kissed me on the cheek. I stood there and sobbed in my husbands arms while he stroked my hair and said, 'it WILL be ok'.

Now we have to get through the next two hours without talking to each other. Put the kids to bed and the 'talk' will commence. Of course the kids are at each other, and we're feeling the strain. But before Pastor couper had left he said, 'do not let the strain of the kids transfer as strain between you two'. What a blessing, a man of God, a messenger just for us.

Kids are in bed....

Our Meeting...

Chris showed up....step one complete.
I took accountability for my actions, yes he is a victim as well, step two complete.
Will you both commit to the marriage? Me - Yes Chris - No.....step three complete.

Yes, it is complete, not the outcome I wanted, and yes I feel rejected and angry and distraught, but God is my rock and I am strangely at peace. If I didn't have Him, I know I'd be curled up in my bed sobbing, but I am at work and I am bubbly and have a smile on my face and I know exactly where that comes from.

He did agree to meet with our pastor alone this afternoon to discuss some more, my pastor said he feels led that the Holy Spirit is present and Chris is ready for a change, we just have to push the devil's foot completely out of the door.

I will not give up.

God is my refuge and strength and my fight is not against flesh and blood but against powers and principalities not of this world.

Again, emphatically I say. Devil, you have NOT WON.

Lord, keep my heart soft and my countenance pure. Protect my husband as he battles against the devil for so much more than just his marriage. I again plead your blood over my marriage and our children. Soothe their hearts and comfort their souls. You are God and I praise you for all you have done and will continue to do - even if You don't do it they way I'd like :) Amen!

She doesn't get it!

Of course, as human as it is, I check Julie's blog. Yesterdays was telling someone "I love you with my whole heart, just thought you should know". I hope that's for her parents, and it hasn't gone that far with my husband.

Todays entry riles me right up.
"I don't have it all together, I get that. But your words (and everyone elses for that matter) cut deep. it hurts. why can't i be the happy girl for once? its not fair."

Umm, maybe it's because he's married and you're doing something WRONG. Maybe because your immaturity has clouded your judgement. Maybe it's because you're so heartless that you can take a husband away from his wife, more importantly a FATHER away from his INNOCENT kids without batting an eyelash, actually BY batting an eyelash.

Even as I write this I know....the enemy will get what he wants if I allow this stupid childish immature disgusting (ok, I AM human) post to get me back to the place of anger, hurt and disgust. So, I am going to play some worship music, have a shower, take my kids to the bus stop and go fight for my marriage.

DEVIL: You were defeated years ago when Jesus died on the cross. I plead the blood of Jesus over my marriage, my family, my kids, and my heart. No matter what happens today, even IF Chris walks away, YOU WILL NOT WIN because I have the protection and blessing of my Saviour on my side. Nice try, but once again YOU LOOSE, and you will ALWAYS loose.

Thank you Jesus for the victory you have already won!

I'm scared...

Sleep was not happening last night. I tossed and turned and kept getting up feeling so nauseous. I finally lay down beside Mikayla, her snoring oddly put me to sleep for a while at least.

Here we go Lord, it all comes down to this.

What if he says "I still want the divorce". What if he walks away from us.
Selfishly, I don't want to be 25 and single with three kids.
I don't want my kids to grow up without a dad.
I definetely do NOT want my kids to grow up with a dad AND step mom.

I have played out both scenarios in my mind.
And both scare me.
What if he says "yes, we're working on it"....then I have to forgive him, I have to live with him, I have to show my love to him even when it's not there.

Is it ironic or cruel that today is Mikayla's 4th birthday?? So no matter how today goes, tonight we will be together for supper and cake....with smiles on our faces and who knows what in our hearts.

Lord, please have Your way in the meeting today. Guide my countenance, body language and words. Keep my spirit calm and loving and let me hear exactly what he and the pastors have to say. Soften his heart towards me and please stir his Spirit to do the godly and manly thing for his family - to stay. But as always, Your will be done.
Thank you Jesus for being involved no matter what the outcome. Amen.

**Thank you for all your prayers and support, please keep us in your prayers this morning at 9:30.**

Tomorrow's Meeting

Tomorrow morning I am meeting with Chris, Pastor Couper and I believe one other pastor (for Chris, to ensure impartiality). I am so relieved that Chris has agreed to come, but at the same time that scares me, because what if I don't hear what I want to.



This meeting is our opportunity to bring to light everything. We need to establish what is fact and what is illusion. I have alot of accusations, some are proven, some are speculation and I want to know what is real and what is not.



But is he going to be honest?? Is he going to tell the truth??



And if he does tell the truth, do I want to hear it???



I want to know if he and Julie are "just friends" as he continually says, or are they dating. And if they're dating, for how long....and truthfully, do I really want to know???? It's nice having the doubt that it's real, because it hurts less.

Lord please help me sleep.

Angels in my path...

Of my own making, I've been feeling very alone in the past year. I moved 3 hours away from my entire family. The few friends that I do have here in Chatham, I pushed away because I felt like they were taking Chris's side. Needless to say, it's been a hard road on my own. I see now, it didn't have to be alone as there are so many people who have been willing to help or listen, I just wasn't open to it.

In the past month God has put angels in my path. People who have been given words from God for me, and people who know how to support me.

One specifically is a friend from Hamilton, Heather. She has been involved for over three years, when our battle first started. At first I was receptive, then I started using her just as a venting place. It wasn't until recently that I read over all of her emails and started putting into practice what she was saying. If only I had listened long ago.....She is an angel.

A new angel who has crossed my path is here in Chatham, Elisabeth. It was pure timing - God's timing - that she asked me how I was doing and I broke down about Spencer and the challenges that I am going through with him and trying to get a handle on how to accommodate autism into our daily lives. Elisabeth has two children with autism, and she is a teacher, she has been godsend.....She is an angel.

Someone who has been there all along, but because of my own stubborness and anger and resentment, I missed out on many months of what could have been a shoulder to cry on and an understanding heart - my sister in law, Kinsley. She has tried to help from the beginning, but I couldn't listen, wouldn't listen to her. Now I see what a miraculous change has come over her, she has become a strong passionate woman of God and I appreciate her advice so much....she is an angel.


Lord, thank you for bringing these strong women into my path and for using them to comfort and guide me along this journey.

Something's happening.....

Chris came to my house a few minutes ago, He's watching a movie with the kids while I do a few things at work for an early appointment tomorrow.
His countenance was different, he asked me how my day was, and he sat upstairs and talked to me before going downstairs with the kids....
The human side says, shut up, I know you're going out with her once your kids are in bed and I'm home. I hate you.
But the part of me that's growing stronger and stronger says "press in, he's ripe for a change".

Again and again and again I pray - YOUR WILL BE DONE!

Stop staring at me....please!!!!

I said a quick prayer as I entered the church parking lot....countenance, countenance, countenance. The first face I saw was Pastor Couper, and he said everything in his smile and nod. God is with me, God is on my side....I walk into the sanctuary...and there she is. Holding Parker and Mikayla's hands I walk right back trying not to make eye contact, until she smirks and laughs. Head says 'coutenance, COUTENEANCE...be invisible'....Flesh SCREAMS ' say something, glare at her, give her the finger'. Praise God my head one.

Rewind to my prayer for the day this morning - "holy spirit come and comfort me and my family"...Todays sermon was all about his presence.

I was overwhelmed with sorrow and fear and coupled with that peace and a smile.
Instead of a long sermon there was a time of worship, just what I needed.
I couldn't stop the tears from flowing, I completely released the situation to God and while I cried out the anger, hurt and frusteration, I found my tears weren't falling as hard and I was smiling.

Amidst all of that, I feel the eyes on me. From everywhere, The hateful stares from 4 pews behind me (julie)...the eyes of Pastor couper, Shanna and Lindsay, with apathy and acknowlegment of what was happening. But I could ignore all of that........at first it was hard to not turn around and glare back at julie, but God's grace kept me facing forward.

I could really feel her staring at me, and maybe it was all in my head...maybe it was the enemy trying to pull me away from His presence...but then I was shocked by the next set of eyes I made contact with. Mr. Towes, Julie's dad. As I saw him and his wife standing there, and knowing that they are more than likely experiencing their own battle with the flesh since they've been made aware of the situation, a surge of peace came over me and I forced myself to smile. His eyes filled with tears and from across the sanctuary, he put his hand over his heart and said "i'm sorry". He had no reason to say that, he has no responsibility for his grown daughter's actions.....but he knew I needed to hear it from someone, anyone.....I am so grateful for that.

As I left the sanctuary I stopped at the doors to "talk to Lindsay" and I had another battle.

CONFESSION:
I wanted to walk over and say you know what little girl, you are a homewrecking hypocritical skank, how are you sitting in church and not combusting or being stuck by lightening!!!!!! I wanted to grab her shoulders and shake screaming, do you not know what you are doing...did you not see those two beautiful kids that walked in with me....do you know that you haven't won, I will not give up on my marriage, and if you "win" because he walks away from his family, you haven't won anything, you've lost a much more important spiritual battle. But I walked out. That's not to say I'm some incredible superwoman, its a testament to the Holy Spirit and what walking with God has done to me over the past few weeks, because if that had happened maybe even last week, she'd be icing her face.

WHAT I CAN'T SAY:
Why her and not me? What do you see in her, a young shy quiet girl...
I am outraged, how dare you disrespect me and your children by flaunting your infidelity.
I am exhausted, I can't sleep and I can't stop crying.
I miss you.


God, continue to provide me with your peace and comfort my breaking heart.
I can only hope the presence I feel with me and providing me with such peace is just as present with Chris and causing him the opposite.

I have a godly sorrow now for my mistake with the divorce. I will stop the proceedings this week. God, Your Will be done!!!!!!

Fasting and Praying...

Today I'm fasting and praying for my husband to seek redemption and reconcilliation.

God,
I once again ask that you will forgive me for all of the mistakes that I have made in the past 8 years with my husband - especially for filing for divorce. I see now how poor and human a decision that was. Please forgive me for the horrible thoughts I have had about my husband, and about Julie.
I give you my marriage and my husband. Protect him during this spiritual warefare.
Please send your Holy Spirit to my family, comfort my children in this time of chaos and unknowing, especially Parker. Lord, please show Him the love he is missing from his dad in me.
Protect my thoughts and heart today as I head to church and enter this day of prayer and fasting.
Please stir Chris's heart so that he will come to this meeting on Tuesday, please soften his heart towards you and I so that we can begin the process of reconciliation. And hard as this is to say - Lord, Your will be done in this situation.
I pray very fervently for Julie Towes. Lord, I can only assume that she doesn't know what she is doing, please put the people in her path that she will listen to. Fill that void in her heart and spirit and soothe that fear of being alone so that she can become aware of the gravity of this situation.
Lord, soften my heart towards my husband. Help me show him Your love since mine is not enough. Show me your desire for this situation.
On Tuesday, give me the words to say, the countenance of a humble and loving wife and the willingness to hear his side of the story.
God.......I want to say 'bring my husband home'....instead I will say, please put your Hand over this situation and Your Will be done, not mine.
Thank you Jesus.

Our song....and the lyrics are so real right now.

His Promise for my husband.....

I wanted to...

She works at my favourite store. She controls my husband and now my shopping.
I wanted to go shopping, as hard as it was because it made their relationship real, I texted him to see if she would be there, he said no so I went.
But when I walked in, and no one would help me (when usually they flock to me because I spend so much there) I knew they knew who I was. That made me angry. Then I found a gorgeous suit, and there wasn't my size...that made me really angry. Then the text from him comes - she is still there. So I left, although I wanted to call her name and yell at her.
I asked what she drove, he told me, I was parked beside it.

CONFESSION:
I did turn the car off. I did take my key, hand shaking and start to open the door. I could picture her face when she would come out and see the line around her car and the lipstick on her window with the letters w. h. o. r. e. in candy apple red. I waited, silently hoping she would come out. I went through all the words I would tell her.

But I prayed, I felt peace, I rose above it, and I left.
That was the hardest 5 minute drive home of my life because my flesh was so strongly calling out to go back and get my justice, however immature it would have been.

10 minutes later, still shaking and still wanting to go see if she was still there, or drive by his place and see if she was there waiting for him....my son asks to call daddy and see if he can come over tonite. My heart sinks and aches for the rest of the night.

WHAT I CAN'T SAY:
I hate you, if you were watching tv with her instead of playing wii with our kids.
I am desperate for you, if I wasn't it wouldn't hurt so much when I hear her name and yours together.

Rihanna has it so right.

"Want you to make me feel like I'm the only gurl in the world!
Like I'm the only one that you'll ever love.
Like I'm the only one who knows your heart.
Only girl in the world..."

-----

It has been one year since my husband and I seperated, although the last month has forced me to ask whether or not we were every really together.

CONFESSION:
I never wanted him to move out - even though I was the one who asked him to.
I never wanted a divorce - even though I was the one who filed.
I never wanted him to admit he doesn't love me - even though I asked him if he does.

I see now how horribly wrong I handled this entire situation. I wanted to push him, smack him over the head witha 2x4, let him know how hurt I was and that I want the man I married back. Instead, I gave him a way out...a way to leave his wife and kids with no guilt or regret because he was absolutely justified in saying "she told me to leave".

I guess, in retrospect, if I told him to leave it wouldn't hurt as much as if he left on his own. How twisted is that? How ridiculous and human and irrelevant are the scemantics of who left first.

This entire journey, which I thought we were on together, of redemption and reconcilliation has come to a head, and I am so scared of the outcome. All lies have been exposed, all deception thrown away for blatant rejection and abandoment, all sins have been flushed out and no redemption sought.

It was a month ago that I finally gave in and gave my marriage to God and took his sage advice to be like Esther, and sit at my husbands feet and wait. It was when that brokeness happened that the spiritual battle not only for my marriage but my husbands soul got kicked into high gear. Now, there is a girlfriend involved, and my human flesh is so loud and strong that I can't leave the house for fear of running into her and what I would do/say if that happened.

And although my world is literraly falling apart at the seams, instead of hardening my spirit like I usually do, I am oddly at peace for I know that no matter what, my god - Jehovah - is in control and he will provide the reconcilliation I desire OR the peace I will crave if that doesn't happen. But most importantly, because I am NOW in line with his commandments and have made the decision to stay with my husband instead of using divorce as a way to 'wake him up', I know that my children are protected and will find peace and love in Abba Father.

WHAT I COULDN'T SAY BEFORE...
I was ashamed of you, every time you looked at porn instead of me.
I hated you, every time I said I want a divorce and you said nothing instead of I love you.
I cursed you, every time I was up with one of our kids knowing you were sleeping soundly.

WHAT I CAN'T SAY NOW...
I hate you, for being with her when I want you with me.
I am disgusted by you, for chosing to spend time with her instead of your children.
I want to hurt you, as badly as you have hurt me.
.....while those are valid, justified and acceptable, they are human cover ups for my real feelings....
I miss you, because no matter what you are my lover, friend and husband.
I ache for you, to be held and kissed by you and know that we will be ok.
I love you. I love you. I love you.
Come home.