Rihanna has it so right.

"Want you to make me feel like I'm the only gurl in the world!
Like I'm the only one that you'll ever love.
Like I'm the only one who knows your heart.
Only girl in the world..."

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It has been one year since my husband and I seperated, although the last month has forced me to ask whether or not we were every really together.

CONFESSION:
I never wanted him to move out - even though I was the one who asked him to.
I never wanted a divorce - even though I was the one who filed.
I never wanted him to admit he doesn't love me - even though I asked him if he does.

I see now how horribly wrong I handled this entire situation. I wanted to push him, smack him over the head witha 2x4, let him know how hurt I was and that I want the man I married back. Instead, I gave him a way out...a way to leave his wife and kids with no guilt or regret because he was absolutely justified in saying "she told me to leave".

I guess, in retrospect, if I told him to leave it wouldn't hurt as much as if he left on his own. How twisted is that? How ridiculous and human and irrelevant are the scemantics of who left first.

This entire journey, which I thought we were on together, of redemption and reconcilliation has come to a head, and I am so scared of the outcome. All lies have been exposed, all deception thrown away for blatant rejection and abandoment, all sins have been flushed out and no redemption sought.

It was a month ago that I finally gave in and gave my marriage to God and took his sage advice to be like Esther, and sit at my husbands feet and wait. It was when that brokeness happened that the spiritual battle not only for my marriage but my husbands soul got kicked into high gear. Now, there is a girlfriend involved, and my human flesh is so loud and strong that I can't leave the house for fear of running into her and what I would do/say if that happened.

And although my world is literraly falling apart at the seams, instead of hardening my spirit like I usually do, I am oddly at peace for I know that no matter what, my god - Jehovah - is in control and he will provide the reconcilliation I desire OR the peace I will crave if that doesn't happen. But most importantly, because I am NOW in line with his commandments and have made the decision to stay with my husband instead of using divorce as a way to 'wake him up', I know that my children are protected and will find peace and love in Abba Father.

WHAT I COULDN'T SAY BEFORE...
I was ashamed of you, every time you looked at porn instead of me.
I hated you, every time I said I want a divorce and you said nothing instead of I love you.
I cursed you, every time I was up with one of our kids knowing you were sleeping soundly.

WHAT I CAN'T SAY NOW...
I hate you, for being with her when I want you with me.
I am disgusted by you, for chosing to spend time with her instead of your children.
I want to hurt you, as badly as you have hurt me.
.....while those are valid, justified and acceptable, they are human cover ups for my real feelings....
I miss you, because no matter what you are my lover, friend and husband.
I ache for you, to be held and kissed by you and know that we will be ok.
I love you. I love you. I love you.
Come home.