Humble Pie tates gross.

Our first counseling session went well...surprisingly well...

That was actually one of the topics of discussion. Can it really be this easy? When is the other shoe going to drop? Yes, it can be this easy - only through the grace of God.

Our biggest discussion is around my newest obsession - Julie. What they did, where they went, what he said, what she said, is she thinking about him, is he thinking about her, does she miss him, does he miss her.....you get the idea. I haven't known how to put it into words, but there is a battle going on between my heart and my mind, and it is making it hard to function.

The wife (head/flesh) part of me wants to punch her, and not figuratively, LITERALLY. Actually take my fist and hit her - HARD. I want to approach her, yell at her - get revenge. But then the woman part of me, more specifically, the woman of God in me (heart) aches for her, wants to call her and hug her and see if she is as ok as she is pretending to be.

It was nice to hear that I'm not the first person who has gone through this head/heart battle CRAP. (i'm liking caps lock today, don't know why, just do).

Take a look at Romans 7:18-25 - Paul is speaking about two laws, the law of God and the law of sin and the battle that is happening. Finally he cries out "oh wretched man that I am". I said that last night (not in the old english of course). But I heard myself asking chris a stupid question and my head was screaming 'shut up!!!'.

How am I ever going to win this battle. Well, it's simple IIIIIIIIIIIIII can't. But with HIM I can. Then comes the discussion I NEVER wanted to have. I need to forgive Julie. Why is that so hard? Because in order to forgive her I need to acknowledge that she is a victim in this situation, just like I am and just like Chris is. I don't know why, but that is so hard for me to do.
I can't do it in person. She would need ice for her face, I am still human and I know the flesh would win. But I did send her an email, short and sweet and to the point, but an outreatch all the same....

----------
Julie,

I need to apologize to you for my quick reaction to last night (meaning the facebook friend request) and for the mean looks, and the hurtful things I've thought and said about you.

I am sorry, and I hope you can forgive me.

And I need you to know....I forgive you.

Jessica
------------------------

I don't know what that will do if anything, but I sent it...and I meant it. Again, only by the grace of God. He has done such an amazing work in my life in the past week. A WEEK????!!!! It was literally one week ago that I sat here, praying for my husband's soul and becoming "ok" with the fact that he was wanting a divorce. Now, we are happy. Truly happy. Lots to work on, LOTS, but we're happy.

I can remember the happy times, the cuddling on the couch and holding hands, or kissing in the kitchen while making dinner. Mikayla can't, I know that because yesterday, I was sitting on Chris's lap on the couch, and she came over and said 'what are you doing...'. Wow. And not in a wierd, what the heck is going on way, but with an innocence, like 'i knew there was something better, now I see what it is' way.

There is such a peace around my house right now. This morning Parker came into my bed...oops, our bed...and cuddle into me. Chris was still sleeping. He looked at me, and said, "mommy, its all back to normal, Jesus fixed everything". Ya, he did baby.