Trust

I'm spending some time home with my family - me and the kids.
It's been great, there have been alot of tears, hugs, and apologies. Very overdue and very comforting.

But Chris is at home, on his own....

Can trust ever be rebuilt? Can it ever fully be restored? Will I ever stop wondering if they're texting, if she's visiting him at work, if he's thinking about her?

I don't know the answer to that, all I know is I've had to force myself all day to remind myself that no, I don't trust Chris but I do trust God.
Chris has let me down and hurt me, God has not. So my trust is in Him.
Is that easy? Heck no!!!! But it's all I can do. It's all He's asked me to do.

I had a very interesting conversation with my 5 year old son on the way to my parents home yesterday. He said, Mommy I want to be called birdie instead of Monkey (my nickname for the kids). I thought, that's odd - why sweetie?? Well, because it reminds me that I am like the sparrow and Jesus is always watching over me, so I don't need to worry.
WOW! He doesn't even know what "worry" means, but he knows there is no need to do it because his Saviour has everyting under control. No wonder Jesus wants us to come to Him as little children.

WHAT I CAN'T SAY...
It still hurts, like a knife. All the betrayal, lies and sins are being thrown into my face over and over again by the enemy.
I don't have it all together. I know I come off as very confident and sure of myself, but it is all a front. I am one of the most insecure and emotionally sensitive people you will ever meet, I have no self-confidence. And all my insecurities are just compounded now. I feel like I'll never be good enough, like you'll always want someone else - want her.

Lord, give me the confidence I lack, continue to soften my heart and heal my wounds. I praise you for bringing my husband home, but need your help to deal with the fact that he is home. Continue to have your hand on this situation, and send you Holy Spirit on us again for comfort joy and peace.